Friday, August 03, 2007

office politics

You are reading

I need to say the following to you, because my anxietyl evel about KUNM is way, too high, and my experiences with you are a serious part of that.

I never know where I stand with you. I'm not talking about this application business, although you'll see that the tension and apprehension I feel when I interact with you is reflected by my fears of double standards. I don't feel I can trust you, and I don't feel you trust me

.I strongly suspect that you don't respect or like me. I don't need to be liked, but respect is very important to me. People have wiped their posteriors with my dignity, whenever they could. It's just about the only resource I have left, and it's sorely damaged. For survival purposes, I've been REQUIRED to pretend my dignity wasn't a priority, and have allowed people to use me to gratify their own, neurotic purposes.

It continues, to this day. I'll have to risk assault by homeless, single, male drunks -- who hang out near the dental clinic, because there's a package liquor store across the street -- at 5am, for first-come-first-served dental care. I have no option. The clinic isn't open at that hour; the community center it's in is closed; there's no security. But my body is riddled with infections from my teeth. And I wake every morning with the smell of death in my mouth. The clinic is my ONLY option in New Mexico. I'm weak, dizzy and light headed from the infections. And teeth are VERY close to the brain

.I've approached you as a necessary evil. This is my fault, not yours. I hope you won't take offense.

When I first arrived at KUNM, I was very happy to have a chance to work with you as my temporary news director. I have a lot of respect for you as an editor. I knew you, primarily, as station voice talent, and was impressed when you subbed on NAC, etc.

Things have disintigrated, over the years. I've felt, whether it's true or not, that you were short-tempered with me and that you believed me to be either: irresponsible, mentally defective, contemptibly "street," or otherwise not acceptible for KUNM.

It's gotten to the point where I feel my chest tighten, when I see an email from you, or hear your voice in the halls. I'm always worried that I'll have offended you.

And, no matter how much I've "proven" myself, I never feel that you respect me or my work.

Now, I have a temper. You've seen that.

I need you to know I'm not coming from a place of trying to hurt YOU when I'm trying to defend myself, my position, my work.

I'm really all I have. I have no family. I have no close friends -- in Albuquerque, anyway -- for moral support or to have my back. I've lived under circumstances that would drive a LOT of people to drugs, mental illness, suicide or seriously antisocial behavior. I survived it all by being quick on my feet, constantly vigilant and VERY assertive about my needs. That's the UPSIDE of PTSD.

The down side of PTSD includes: I have a terrible memory when I'm under stress. I can't stop adrenal "rushes" when I feel threatened. I have lousy impulse control when I'm angry or afraid.

Given all that, I'd say I've done a pretty good job,when it comes to KUNM. I've never screamed at people, hit anybody, destroyed property, showed up chemically impaired, stolen, threatened, intimidated or otherwise exhibited the antisocial and unacceptable behaviors I'we personally witnessed or heard about from so-called "normal" people at that station.

Now, I'll NEVER be what's so smugly called, "normal." But I've been a devoted and hard-working member of the KUNM community under some pretty unacceptable circumstances. I guess I'm saying I'd like that acknowledged by you, as management.

I just don't want to feel afraid when I interact with you,. Whether either you or I like it or not, you are, by default, a role model and authority figure for many of us at KUNM. I don't want to fear you.

I try really hard not to bother you, annoy you, cause you extra effort, distract you, etc. Have you noticed how rarely you even see me, anymore?

If there's something I can do to improve communications and interactions between the two of us please let me know. I'll consider any feedback you have as PERSONAL correspondence, and will NOT hold against you anything you honestly care to express. I do NOT want to cause trouble for you at KUNM. I want to make things better. I want to work well with you. That's my motivation.

No comments: