Tuesday, March 04, 2008


You are reading http://rriverstoneradio.blogspot.com/

This is another comment to J's "random musings" blog:

I'm really sorry about your dad. Here's what you need to know about that: If Dad's in foster care, it's healthier for Mom. I know, from personal experience, how draining and physically disabling it is to care for someone's every need. I did it for a living, as a personal care attendant. And I did it for my father. The day he died, although I felt -- temporarily -- guilty for it, I was relieved. I was young, back then, and physically stronger (though not psychologically). If I had to do it today, in my 50's, it would destroy me. Your Mom needs care, too.

You're learning something very important about focus & discipline, in this experience.

I'm going through something TERRIFYING in my personal life. I don't get to even feel safe & respected in my own home. I never know when the situation will again turn hostile and dangerous. There's no peace; there's no economic stability; there's no privacy; there's no dignity. I have been completely betrayed by someone I chose to love, with whom I'd chosen to live my life.

I have to wait until I earn more money, before I can change the circumstances in which I live.

So, I'm working on radio. And I'm working on print journalism.

Things here are SO chaotic, it's difficult for me to sleep through the night. I wake up, startled and paniced, and worry about what will happen next.

I've been very concerned that this will destroy my attempts to improve my situation through my creative work.

I'm brain damaged; I can't hold a regular job. And a few months ago, this person I loved punched me in the head, repeatedly. This person is much larger & stronger than I and has several martial arts blackbelts.

The only way I can work my way out of economic dependence on this person is to work, here, at home, on my computer, to produce radio and writing.

And I WOULDN't be able to produce these, just to earn money. I need to be motivated by more than economic instability. I have to WANT to produce.

I can't let the distractions of: a drunken, hostile landlady; drunken, DANGEROUS neighbors; a narccissistic & volotile house mate keep me from working.

I have to concentrate. And I'm brain damaged & have PTSD. My memory's bad, esp. under stress. I can't control my adrenal glands; my brain chemistry is out-of-balance, so I don't experience well-being like "normal" people. I have to work REALLY HARD for that one.

Creative work is how I feel well-being.

If I let all the crap going on around me sabbotage me, I'm dead.

My work isn't about me. It's about the communities and people on whom I report. I keep myself OUT of these productions and writings, as far as I can.

So, my work is HEALING to other people, and THAT is the biggest blessing in the world to me: I'm useful; I'm helping.

If I allow the toxins around me to poison me, I can't BE helpful in the world.

I'm one of the few and the VERY lucky: I get to do something I REALLY LOVE doing. Being low-income, with no formal degree, I KNOW how scarce THAT is.

It's rare, even among the financially privileged.

I've learned SO MUCH about: discipline (which I'd mistaken for "abuse," given my childhood), commitment, emotional control, impulse control....

It's turned into a Zen thing. It's like self-hypnosis or trance: I'm completely focused on my work. I don't feel pain, panic, fear, anger, self-pity. You could probably smack me on the head with a frying pan & I wouldn't feel it.

I'm very protective of my work, and everything required to do it. INCLUDING my body, my mind and my balance. I've never cared SO MUCH about my own health as I do right now, because it facilitates the WORK!

So, let everybody around me be crazy and dangerous, selfish and abusive. I've got a deadline; I don't have time for that crap.

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